Breaking: City Councilor O’Malley ‘I’m Not a Real Redhead’

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In a shocking turn of events, District 6 City Councilor Matt O'Malley held an impromptu press conference to announce that he has been a fake redhead for years.

"It started when my parents dyed my hair when I was just a toddler. They wanted me to fit in with all the other redheads on my block. I continued on with the charade until now. But I can no longer go on with being a redhead --- it's not who I really am. It's also time consuming to dye one's hair and the cost of hair dye has really jumped," said O'Malley with a picture of Ron Howard in a broken frame behind him. "It's time for me to admit. I'm a brunette. Just a regular old brunette. Not as fun as a blonde, not as unique as a redhead. I thought about going sandy brown, even a honey gold. But ultimately, I had to evaluate -- if I'm going to admit I'm not a redhead, why would I then dye my hair another color?"

O'Malley said he's worried about how the hairy truth will affect him in the voting booth next election. He also said that the Ginger Pride Society has already revoked his membership, which means he can no longer get a 10 percent discount at Roche Bros. Super Stop & Shop didn't immediately return calls to Jamaica Plain News.

Other local officials chimed in with conciliatory and surprised tones.

"I applaud Matt O'Malley for admitting the truth about his hair," said At-Large Boston City Councilor Ayanna Pressley. "I had a similar situation several years ago when I had to come to terms with being the granddaughter of Elvis Presley. My family tried to ignore it, specifically by adding an S to our name. But eventually you have to admit it -- Elvis' Hawaiian album was pretty good, and everyone knows my blue suede shoe game is on point."

O'Malley and Pressley are not the only elected local officials who have delivered earth shattering realizations about themselves in recent years.

There were two bridgegates. First O'Malley's predecessor John Tobin came clean that his family had nothing to do with the Tobin Bridge, and then District 8 City Councilor Josh Zakim admitted he doesn't care for the architectural design of the Zakim Bridge. It was a hard blow to the Zakim family as the bridge is named after Josh's father, Leonard, who was a civil rights leader in Boston.

"I don't care for cable-stayed bridges," said Zakim. "It's something that has driven me away from my family as they all like the bridge. It was a sunny Hanukkah morn. All of us had gathered together. The entire family. They were all talking about how great the Zakim Bridge is, and that they love the design. I said I like cantilever bridges, arch bridges and even the dated tied-arch bridge. Needless to say Hanukkah has never been the same. Now everyone just gives me socks. I give them to Matt O'Malley."

O'Malley was able to take a sunny day approach after hearing about the admissions of Pressley, Tobin and Zakim. The kind of sunny day approach that he used to put on sunscreen when he was faking being a fair skinned redhead.

"It's heartwarming to hear about my colleagues' similar life experiences. We all have things we're not proud. I was faking being a redhead. But you just have to move on and take it one day at a time. Just wake up in the morning. Get out of bed, comb your super curly brown hair and go to work," said O'Malley.

April Fools' Day!!!!!!!

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